Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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