I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
