2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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