My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
