That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
