There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
