my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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