Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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