So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Houston, we have a blender
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
