I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
