A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
