Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
