I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
