it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
