thus making me awesome and them whores
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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