it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize