The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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