Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she told me i tasted like america
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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