ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
