Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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