I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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