I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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