the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
