Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
