Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
