Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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