Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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