I am midnight drunk by noon
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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