I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
