onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
no you cant smoke seaweed
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
