i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
