the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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