so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
