seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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