so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
