Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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