i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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