4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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