Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
