I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
