apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
