my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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