Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
