I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
