You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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