Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
how drunk are you?
Several
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
