Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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