i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We need a shit load of segways right now
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
