His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
