Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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