He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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