Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my being single is dangerous.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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