when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
