Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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