I want to make a zoo with you.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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