Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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