we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
