I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
