I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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