Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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