the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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