i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
